During the 2024 Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference, Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles asked an audience member to do the seemingly impossible.
He gave the audience member a nail, driven into a block of wood so that it stood upright. Then he asked her to balance 14 other nails on top of the one upright nail.
Not surprisingly, the woman struggled to complete the task. But then Elder Renlund showed her a trick: By interlocking 12 of the nails in a specific pattern between two horizontal nails, all 14 could successfully balance on the single upright nail.
The two horizontal nails were the key, Elder Renlund said, with one representing a person affected by pornography and the other representing faith in a higher power. And the other 12 nails represented family members, friends, ecclesiastical leaders, mental health professionals and others who can help lift the person impacted by pornography.
Each symbolic nail “contribute[s] to making the impossible possible,” Elder Renlund said, adding, “I believe that individuals, marriages and families can heal and overcome the ills of pornography when willingness, education, hard work, faith and appropriate treatment coalesce.”
Elder Renlund was the opening keynote speaker for the 2024 Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference on Saturday, May 4, in Salt Lake City.
He was joined by Dan Gray, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in addictions counseling; and Jill Manning, who holds a doctorate in marriage and family therapy and specializes in treating individuals impacted by infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior. Elder Renlund presented hypothetical scenarios to them throughout his address, asking for their professional opinions on a variety of pornography-related challenges.
“My church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I condemn pornography in any form,” Elder Renlund said. “It damages individuals, families and societies. It draws us away from God and impairs our ability to feel the influence of the Holy Spirit. Because all forms of pornographic material are unhealthy, opposition to its production, dissemination and use is warranted.”
Professional perspectives
Elder Renlund presented four hypothetical scenarios to Gray and Manning:
- Sixteen-year-old Bob views pornography frequently and feels overwhelmingly ashamed of himself. He finally tells his parents. How should they respond?
- Joan’s boyfriend, Eric, told her about his intermittent pornography use, which is usually triggered by stress. He’s worked with ecclesiastical leaders and is in an addiction recovery program. Should Joan end the relationship?
- Karen has been open with her husband and ecclesiastical leaders about her long history of viewing pornography. She’s improved significantly but after a recent relapse feels so broken that she thinks no one could love her, even God. What’s the best way to counsel her?
- Natalie’s husband, Joe, had a major challenge with pornography. As he worked with a therapist, he became happier and felt more in control. But Natalie still feels wounded. What’s the best way to counsel both her and Joe?
In the first scenario, Gray said it’s important that Bob’s parents don’t react with shock, anger or dismay, which will only reinforce his shame and make it less likely that Bob will confide in them in the future.
In the second scenario, Manning said Joan should know that healing and recovery are possible, and Eric’s struggle isn’t necessarily a relationship deal-breaker. But she should also ask Eric a lot of questions about his pornography habit, observe how seriously he’s taking his recovery efforts and be “rigorously honest” with herself about if she can walk alongside someone who’s in recovery.
“Not everybody can do that, and I want to say that’s OK,” Manning said.
In the third scenario, Gray said Karen needs to shift her mindset from “toxic shame” — the feeling that her actions make her a bad person — to a “godly remorse” type of feeling, which recognizes that her actions were wrong and she can learn from her mistakes.
And in the fourth scenario, Manning said it’s important that Joe acknowledge the harm he’s caused. Natalie’s pain will begin healing as her pain is witnessed, Manning said.
Jesus Christ’s healing power
In addition to highlighting knowledge from professionals, Elder Renlund testified of Jesus Christ’s healing power.
“He offers hope to the seemingly hopeless and help to those who feel lost,” Elder Renlund said. “As I have come to know Him, I have learned that He loves to heal wounds you cannot heal, to fix things that are irreparably broken and compensate for any unfairness you have experienced.
“And He absolutely loves to permanently mend even shattered hearts.”
